A recent magazine article interviewed three middle-aged Thai women about their marriages. The women did not work; they stayed home and looked after the home and children. They were all reasonably satisfied with their
lives; their husbands treated them generously; they had nice homes; but not all was well.
The subject turned to the subject of mia noi, and the atmosphere changed. All
the women said they would comment, but only anonymously, and all said that their
husbands had minor wives. None was happy about it but all accepted it,
reluctantly; their worries included jealousy, fear of sexual disease being
brought into the home, fear that the minor wife might absorb too much money that
rightly should belong to the family and that the husband might spend too little
time with his first wife.
I bore this in mind when I went to interview Naen on the subject of her life and
thoughts. She is 27 years old, an educated Thai woman a generation younger than
those three ladies in the first paragraph who seemed so resigned to accepting
the humiliation of minor wives sharing their husband’s lives.
Naen works for a large company where she is a part of a team developing company
philosophy. Her first two jobs after university, as private secretary to
high-ranking company executives, were not successful; Naen disliked the lack of
personal responsibility she was given and above all hated the way she had to
krieng-jai; be so deferential to these people, not because they were necessarily
good at their jobs at hand, but just because they were the bosses.
Naen has many qualities; she is extraordinarily hard working and committed to
working in the sort of position, which allows her to bring to bear her
education, intelligence and skills. She is determined to do well professionally,
and goes home when the work is done, not at 5 p.m. Staying in the office till 10
p.m. does not worry her.
The enthusiasm she shows for her work strikes you immediately; she loves her
work to the exclusion of much else in her life. It is clear that, like many men
would, she defines herself by her work; what I do and how I do it is in many
ways a way of describing me, she might argue.
I thought of those three middle-aged women; Naen was very different from them,
wasn’t she?
"Do you want equality with men at work, in salary and promotion opportunity?" I
asked.
"Of course!" she answered – "if I can do the work, why shouldn’t I get the same
money and chances of advancing in the company? I want equality with men in every
way!"
I thought of three passive accepting women again.
"Men often have minor wives," Naen, I said, "What do you think of this?"
Her telephone rang before she could answer.
"That’s a man I know, a friend. He has an important job in Singapore – he’s a
general manager. He’s divorced. But I could never take him seriously – he’s got
one big problem – he has too many girlfriends. I hate that in a man."
"Do you think a woman should have the same rights a man when it comes to other
relationships?" I asked. "Of course!" she said.
I thought briefly of those three middle-aged women. Things were changing in the
new generation.
‘What about marriage, Naen?" I asked. ‘Do you want get married and have
children?"
"Yes, but not yet," said Naen. "I have a partner, and we’ve lived together for
four years. We’re buying a house together."
"Do you share things democratically?" I asked.
"Sure", said Naen, "We share the mortgage and housework and in a few years we’ll
get married and have a family. But my work will still be very important to me."
"You won’t stop?" I said. But I knew the answer. This was no a girl who was
going to sit at home with the children, watching TV and talking to friends. How
could a girl with such a fine mind, such intelligence and commitment to hard
work, suddenly stop thinking ?
"How does you partner think about your long evenings at work?" I asked "He’s not
always very happy about them," she said. "He’s a quiet man and likes to stay at
home. But sometimes, not often, I like to go out with friends at the office
after a long day, and have few whiskies and talk and have fun."
I could understand this relationship, I thought. Opposites attract, and here was
a quiet, good serious man, with a good job, who liked the home life. This
lively, committed, hard-working woman also took home life seriously, but
sometimes she wanted to go out and have fun, and why shouldn’t she, she
believed. Women should be equal, shouldn’t they, and have the same opportunities
as a man to have a rich and committed life.
I noticed one thing about Naen which was compelling. I knew without asking that
Nan would always use her brain and skills, not her beauty, to get what she
wanted in her work.
She was not, like many women, flirtatious and over-feminine. I couldn’t see this
girl smiling sweetly at the boss in an effort to win his approval. But, then, I
thought, a girl prepared to put in the commitment and hours she did didn’t have
to.
On the other hand, Naen was not just pretty and good-looking, she was strikingly
and unusually beautiful. Men must look at her, I thought, and dream of her as
the beautiful trophy woman, sitting at home looking after the children – a woman
to be proud of and for other men to stare at jealously and for a husband to come
home triumphantly to. But where would her professionalism and commitment to
work, her intelligence and education be then?
Naen dressed prettily but not provocatively. It was her brains and intelligence
she was going to use to get on at work, not her beauty, I thought. I asked her
about men staring at girls.
"Oh all men do that," she said dismissively. It was something unimportant to
her, and, I thought something she didn’t really like. So superficial. Girls
don’t mind being looked at, perhaps, but not if it meant they were not being
taken serious as people; they had brains and intelligence not just a pretty
face.
It as time for me to go home. But not for Naen. It was already 8 p.m. but she
was going back to the office to work. She loved her job and working late hours
bothered her not in the slightest.
At home, those three middle-aged women were living the domestic life, but let us
not blame them. Looking after a family and making a home are far from
unimportant things. But were their husbands home? Let’s not ask. Nan wasn’t home
– but she was building a career in work she loved and working with people she
respected in a team. When she got home she would share her life equally with her
partner and gradually they would build a future together.
Nan stuck in my mind for days. I’m a man and, well, weak as all men are, I like
looking at beautiful girls.
But, I reflected, it is impossible to look at this girl’s beautiful face without
thinking of the mind and determination behind it; impossible not to respect what
she is setting out to do. Naen has taught me something. I’m not going to stop
looking at girls, but I’m going to wonder at the mind behind the pretty face in
future.
Good luck in your life, Naen. You deserve it.
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